Dont Be Caught Dead…Inside D Toilet! (TOILET MINISTRY, Part 2)

Dont Be Caught Dead…Inside D Toilet!

a living dog is better than a dead lion… Ecc 9:4

Remember where we started from in the first part? With a joke about a man that found himself in a females’ toilet and started pressing “the buttons he had sworn not to press”…and you remembered where he landed? “Yeah! You remembered. On the hospital bed!”
(If you did not read the first part of this piece, U can check it out on my notes on my profile page).

Let me start this second part with a true life story. This happened years back (over a decade actually) so don’t crucify me.

There was this day that my Dad was taking bread and tea in the afternoon (back then, those were really rare delicacies. Especially the tea…the family takes that once in a week thereabout). So I was expecting my Dad to call me like he always did to come and finish the remaining tea in his cup…but alas! He didn’t! But there was a part of me that was dying to have a taste of the brownish thing in whatever form—powdery or liquid. Covetousness, you may choose to call it. Or “hunger”—perhaps, that was what I thought it was. But whatever it was, the thing led me to do what I shouldn’t have done but which many of you would also have done if you were in my shoes.

I thought to myself “I will go and take some of the Bournvita…scoop as much as my tiny little hand can contain…then rush to the toilet—the place where nobody sees me—the place where everyone respects my privacy. Then when I enter, rather than do what the toilet was meant for—I will satisfy my throat with the sweet sensation the powder as it journeys down my oesophagus to my alimentary canal…” Those were thoughts—the “innocent thoughts of a 7-yr old.

And that was just what I did. Went into the room where the beverages were kept…climbed on a stool to carry the tin from the shelf…opened the tin with my metallic belt tip…then…dipped my innocent little hand in…and scooped a handful of bournvita…then rushed to close the tin with the lid…then I heard some foot steps approaching…so I took the other exit (without returning the tin back to where I picked it from)…and I hurried towards the toilet. But as I was reaching for the knob to the toilet door from outside (with the second hand), the toilet door was opened (from inside) and my Mum came out of it. (We lived back then in a house with only one toilet!…but now, we live in a house with three!) Shocked…I quickly hid my second hand behind my back and displayed a restlessness that was too obvious to be hidden. Mummy asked “what’s that?” “what’s what?” I replied. “What are you hiding?…bring me your hand…”…the rest was “history”. I was given a “beating I will never forget”.
Don’t just laugh…because I’m sure you’ve been there before too. Haven’t you?

You know, as I was typing this note, it dawned on me that the “toilet” literarily has its own function. But some people go there to do other things besides the function it was meant for. So let me remind you of what “toilet” means as far as this write-up is concerned:

“Toilet” in the context of this write-up is taken to mean “that place where no one else goes with you to”…”that place where (as it were) no one sees you”…”where nobody is there, except you…alone.” and like I said in the first part, “toilet ministry” means…what you do…when nobody is there!

So what’s the danger in “going to the toilet”…as in “going to those places where nobody sees us…?”. I have come to understand that going to such places is not the problem. The problem is from what you go there…to do! Fine, people will always “respect” your privacy when you eneter the “toilet” but a day is coming when the unforeseen will happen and you will need the help of people that are “outside the toilet” but because they “respect your toilet privacy”, nobody will come to your rescue! I SPEAK IN PARABLES…

I said in the last write-up that I was going to tell you of a King in the Scriptures that died like that. An enemy came and smartly gained enterance to his presence to stab him. The security guards were expecting him to come out, but on assumotion that he was in the toilet, they respected his “toilet privacy” and decided not to check. But after a while, by the time they broke the door in to check, behold…the king is dead.

I am not formulating stories. Let me quote the scriptures and you will see what I’m saying:

Judges 3:20-25 God’s Word Version
(20) Ehud came up to him as he sat alone in his room on the roof. He said to the king, “I have a message from God for you.” As the king rose from his throne,
(21) Ehud reached with his left hand, took the dagger from his right side, and plunged it into Eglon’s belly.
(24) After Ehud went out, Eglon’s advisers came in. They were surprised that the doors were locked. “HE MUST BE USING THE TOILET,” they said.
(25) They waited and waited, but Eglon didn’t open the doors. So they took the key and opened the door. They were shocked to see their ruler lying on the floor, dead.

That’s why I wish you could see the “foolishness” of the “toilet ministry”. Think twice when no man is watching. Ask yourself, “can I do this if my Dad was here?” “or if my Mum was here?” “or if my fiancé(e) was here?” “or if my best friend was here?”….and most importantly…“If God was here?”…AND HE IS! YES! He’s right there with you everytime.

So when next you want to rush to those hiding places to do the “ungodly”, just remember…GOD IS WATCHING!

I actually planned writing something entirely different for this second part…but as I started typing this note, the flow changed. This is yet a reinforcement to the first part. If God permits, there will yet be a part three, where I will show you the “concept” behind why you act the way you do…especially in the toilet!

God loves you Sweetheart…and so do I.

© Feb, 2010




Let’s begin with a riddle with an obvious answer.

I’m a country. Every “normal” human being comes into that country at least once in three days. As a matter of fact, some even come to that country as frequently as everyday. And one unique thing about me is that once you enter this country called ‘me’, you automatically become the President. Everything you do in the country cannot be challenged by anybody. And what’s more? You can choose to even stay in this country for as long as you want! You are—simply put—‘in charge!’ So…which country am I?

Yeah, right! “The Federal Republic of TOILET!”

Before I gross you out with thoughts about that one place where you release those smelly stuff, just understand that in the context of this write-up, toilet is simply “that place where no one else goes with you to—where (as it were) no one sees you—where nobody is there, except you…alone.”

And as far as I’m concerned, in my extensively simplified dictionary, ‘ministry’ simply means “what you do!” As such, by “toilet ministry”, I’m basically talking about what you do…when nobody is there!

I have come to understand that the struggles every Christian youth carry in their hearts are majorly about things they did when nobody was there. The reason why many people suffer from different addictions is simply because the things they did when nobody was there had overcome their innocence…taking over it completely, and placing a heavy load of guilt in their tender loving heart!

That’s the power of the ‘toilet’ at work. The power of secrecy.

Let me share this little joke with you.
There was this man on a flight who tried to use the men’s toilet in the airplane but discovered it was always occupied. In a bid to help matters, one of the flight attendants told the man that he could use the ladies’ toilet in as much as he would not press any of the buttons on the wall in there. The man agreed to the deal and entered into the ladies’ toilet… He did what he needed to do. After he was relieved as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters; there were four—labelled WW, WA, PP and a red one labelled ATR. “Who would know if I touched them?” —he thought to himself. He couldn’t resist. So he pushed the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bom-bom from beneath. ”Wow! What a nice feeling!” He thought to himself. ”Men’s toilets don’t have all these nice things???” Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bom-bom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. ”The ladies’ toilet was more than just a restroom; it is a place of tender loving pleasure!”  When the powder puff completed its pleasure, the man couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would bring him the supreme ecstasy. But alas! The next time he would open his eyes, he was in a hospital with a nurse starring down at him with a smirk on her face. “What happened?” he asked. “You pressed too many buttons” the nurse replied.

Guess you are wondering what ‘ATR’ meant. It was an automatic tampon remover. You can imagine what the ATR will do to a man who wasn’t wearing any tampon in the first instance.

While you freeze that thought, what do you think gave this man the unnecessary “castration” he gave himself? The enticement of the deceit of the “toilet ministry!” This man simply thought to himself— Who would know…?

And doesn’t that sound like a wisdom we all share—a ‘foolish’ wisdom?

  • Who will know if I smartly asked my friend the answer to question 2 during the mock test?
  • Who will know if I was the one who actually took the money?
  • Who will know if I went into the toilet to masturbate?
  • Who will know if I’m Facebooking in church while the Pastor is preaching?
  • Who will know if I visited a pornographic site while browsing incognito on my phone?
  • Who will know if I was the source of the backbiting?
  • Who will know we did together in Roots Hotel?
  • Who will know that I didn’t have my bath this morning?
  • Who will know if I wear clothes my parents don’t approve of in school?

Who will know….???

But how I wish we could see the foolishness in those assumptions together? Sounds like the words of the foolish woman in Proverbs 9. “She sits in front of her house and on the highest hills in the town. She shouts to everyone who passes by, “If you are stupid, come on inside!” And to every fool she says, “STOLEN WATER TASTES BEST, AND THE FOOD YOU EAT IN SECRET TASTES BEST OF ALL.” (Proverbs 9:14-17 CEV).


Seriously? Stolen waters tastes best? Food eaten in secret with the fear of being caught tastes delicious the most? Obviously, something is wrong with that mindset. But unfortunately, that’s our status each time we choose to think the “who-will-know” thoughts. We suddenly suffer from short sightedness.

There’s a wisdom that is wiser—such as Joseph’s. That’s why he could keep his own integrity even when none of the men of the house was there (Gen 39:2b). Obviously, he saw something we tend to miss when we think like that woman. Joseph said to himself “shall I do this great wickedness and sin against God?” Did you catch that? If he wasn’t aware of any other thing, he was aware that GOD SEES IT ALL!

Eugene Peterson puts it in The Message Bible thus— ”Can anyone hide out in a corner where I can’t see him?”…Am I not present everywhere, whether seen or unseen?” (Jeremiah 23:24 MSG). David said it succinctly: ”Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? to be out of your sight? If I climb to the sky, you’re there! If I go underground, you’re there! If I flew on morning’s wings to the far western horizon, You’d find me in a minute– you’re already there waiting! Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark! At night I’m immersed in the light!” It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you; night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.” (Psalms 139:7-12 MSG)

So when next you want to “enter into those places you go alone”, do well to remind yourself that even if all eyes are off what we do, some eyes can’t stop beholding them—the eyes of the Master. He’s already waiting for you there.

In a sequel, I will enlighten us more on the “foolishness” in the idea of a ‘toilet ministry’. And I will show you a king in the scripture that literally died because of the power of the privacy of the toilet.

[Ed. Note: This note is a fallout from a message I preached in January 2010 while I was leading The Apostolic Church Students’ Fellowship of Nigeria (TACSFON) at Obafemi Awolowo University. It was a 2-part series titled ’Toilet Ministry’.]


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